The research

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues at Stony Brook University published “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings” in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

They wanted to know whether closeness between strangers could be created in a lab. Pairs of participants spent about 45 minutes taking turns asking each other 36 questions, divided into three sets that grow steadily more personal.

Why it works

The key is sustained, escalating, reciprocal self-disclosure. Each person opens up a little, the other responds in kind, and the depth increases step by step. This mirrors how close relationships tend to form naturally, only faster.

Pairs who went through the questions reported feeling significantly closer than pairs who made small talk for the same amount of time.

Beyond the lab

The questions reached a wide audience in 2015 through Mandy Len Catron’s New York Times Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” In the original study, the questions were followed by four minutes of looking into each other’s eyes in silence.

The questions are not a guarantee of love, but they are a reliable way to create a moment of real connection — with a partner, a friend or someone new.